Look at the scuff marks on the yellow line, says our driver.They will tell you where to wait alongside other impatient commuters. Despite the Tube holding endless nightmarish fears for many children, others are desperate to get behind the wheel.

flips onto his back and lifts his legs in the air really giving a perfect view of his sweet hole clenching down tightly on the thickly substantive purple dong while he plays with his sensitive scrotum and jerks his way to the outrageous mouth-watering orgasm just on the edge of the horizon.

With the very important caveat that you must already be through the barriers before the scheduled departure time, your underground journey home is a sealed deal. But the Central is worst for overcrowding as a result, apparently.

Once you've tapped in with your Oyster, station staff will be radioing down to the Tube driver telling them to wait. There is no little side lamp or overhead lamp inside a cabin - only the tiny dashboard and a few bleeping sensors.

Books titled "Secrets of the Underground" feature in many tourist bookshops - but how many tell you what "person on the tracks" really means?

And, is there any point running for the last train?