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Reluctant online dater dont_email_me lives in Texas, and he is very clear about what type of woman he wants: “If I can’t bounce a quarter off your inner thigh, hit the gym, not the ‘send’ button.” Charming.

“Okay, here’s the thing,” dont_email_me wrote in his self-summary, “I receive tens of thousands of emails a day and I can’t possibly take the time to read all of them. All I know is, please don’t send me an email if we aren’t at least 100% match and 0% enemies.” Message received. Savanah, age 22, is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Her picture shows her leaning against the railing of a bridge with sunglasses covering her eyes. Not a lot of skin showing and no clues to her personality.

Jake describes picking his date up in his Kia Sorento with lit candles in the car.

He even writes out the banter: “You go, ‘…Is that dangerous?

His physique doesn’t really warrant foregoing a shirt, but maybe he’s just really proud of the giant cross tattoo on his arm.

The picture isn’t the funniest part of his dating profile, however.

“A little-known fact is that I cover 40% of Africa,” she wrote. The result is a comical portrayal of himself carrying puppies out of a burning animal shelter. What I enjoy most about Reid in this picture is his look of sincerity.

This gem of a dating profile, highlighted by Cosmopolitan, has one of the most laugh-out-loud About sections ever. I hope this 24-year-old single has boys lining down the block for her.

You’d think everyone on Ok Cupid is there because they want to meet people. Some users just want to be left alone while they wait for an imaginary perfect match to fall in their inboxes.

As Chiparoo wrote on Reddit, “Well he’s got MY attention.” For her profile picture, Becky chose a shot of her up to her neck in colorful plastic balls. Hilarious, with just a hint of innuendo, Becky definitely makes an impression on the singles of Tinder.

Under the About Becky section, she wrote simply, “I love balls.” Genius.

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